I am so uncomfortable because of the new developments! He not only called but Facetimed me, and obviously does not want to have a trail. I am glad he ignored the reply I sent back via work email at the time but I thought that was it and he has resurfaced. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I want to so badly but I’m so afraid they will retaliate and slander my name especially because I’m not sure what my next career steps are and that could jeopardize future opportunities in the same line of work. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I liked your suggestion and did exactly this, even including a more distant salutation and explicitly saying “Farewell” whereas in my mass email to the whole group, I stated this isn’t Farewell. He ignored my email thankfully, however he has called me again recently after I met Ann to thank her for her help. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you so much for your advice. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to come back to this post but there have been recent developments and not good ones. I like your advice to reply from my work email address and ultimately did so. Thankfully he ignored, and then I left the firm, thinking that was it. I did meet with Ann since I kept delaying a proper thank you and felt she still deserved that for helping me out. I briefly mentioned that in an ideal world, I would’ve had calls with more people before leaving, and that in reality I wanted to keep it very low-key so it was unnecessary for people to keep reaching out especially when I wasn’t even that close to them. She immediately took this as some sort of reference that it was ok for Ned specifically to call me AGAIN and I know she blabbed every detail to him as well as the other tough coworker in my post (let’s say Al). She asked if I called Al before leaving and I said yes and did that due to: 1) Al respectfully and explicitly suggested it well in advance, 2) I like and respect him, 3) we were working on the same project - none of which I can say about Ned. So Ned not only called me in the morning the next day which is a holiday - he had the audacity to FaceTime me. And why the fuck is he not sending a text or email at all? Why the fuck does he think he can just call out of the blue, especially after I have left the firm and have given the cold shoulder multiple times? The reason this is bothering me so much is that I want to be on good terms in case I go back to that line of work at some point. And they are all a toxic as shit package deal - Ned complains to Ann who spreads the word to all their little sycophants including this previous member of the group who left before me but is very well-connected and I fear she will snitch on me to a potential future company in the same profession. What should I do now? It is causing me anguish and I want to keep options open, however can I do that by ignoring him and can someone jeopardize someone else’s job offer with slander??

Is it possible this could change the severity of the reactions, such as HR and police involvement? The car was parked and I technically could have bailed in the middle of their sentence, so it wasn’t like they were forcefully shackling me or operating a moving vehicle. Any legal professionals able to comment? At any rate, that is exactly what he is doing - feeding toxic culture by snitching to Ann that I ignored whatever attempt he did to reach me again - and then she went and told our other coworker that I mentioned. Unbelievable, toxic culture.

Thank you! How should I phrase it to be professional yet assertive? I admittedly sometimes sound “nice” when I’m trying to set boundaries but clearly that hasn’t been working with him and he does not seem to respect me.

I see your point. I guess I value having explicit closure on both sides and especially considering his emotional conditions in this case. I don’t want to be the reason he gains more of a dark thought process. I probably care too much and admittedly overthink at times. If we look at ghosting as a concept, I do all that I can not to generally. The main reason I delayed response this recent month is an overwhelming number of commitments to get through after being ill for some time, and it’s not the norm for me at all. I always feel like I should reply even if it isn’t to continue relations. I completely see your point though and know many see it that way too

I agree, thank you! This is one of the most helpful comments and covered all questions.

I’m a little new to the downvote part of the platform. How can we see downvotes? When my mouse hovers above the upvote icon, it says 0 Downvotes. Or someone un-did their upvote?

I agree, thank you!

Thank you for one of the more thorough responses addressing my questions. It really helps. One part though that I’m wondering relates to your 1st sentence: what are your thoughts on his behavior at the coffee shop? Do you think that’s strange and rude? I added more context in my comment above as it may not have been clear in the post

Please see my comment above to clarify what happened with the coffees. Don’t you think that was at least a bit rude of him?

Thanks for input. I know there’s always room for self-work as we all can relate but I assure you it’s not to that degree personally. Just for the big picture, I was very hungover when writing this after not going out for a very long time, but didn’t want to postpone it more so it might sound a bit like I’m thinking out loud. Please be kind with me; when it comes to love or lack thereof, it can be a very grey area for all and I really am doing my best to process experiences. I do believe it’s possible to better understand body/mind/heart while balancing a productive career as well.

Yes, it’s true and the coffee shop calls out by drink rather than by name, so isn’t it rude that he swooped in to grab mine when he knew we ordered the same exact thing? Please see my comment above for more context

Thanks for your input. Maybe it wasn’t clear in the post: it was a fast food type coffee shop where you order in line and then sit down. The fact that I placed my order first, before he then ordered a coffee identical to mine, makes me wonder why it would be acceptable for him to abruptly grab the first one that was ready on the counter, without even so much as a word or a glance, and walk away to a different counter to do whatever while I was stunned, speechless, and just waiting for the next one. He clearly saw me waiting, didn’t bother to say a word, and showed no remorse afterwards even if he somehow didn’t hear my order from a few inches away (highly unlikely). First impression in person too. I get that there will be people who don’t care about the coffee ordeal, however I wouldn’t even think of doing that to someone else, regardless of gender or any other characteristic - especially on a 1st date. It’s just weird and rude. At the very least, I would confirm what the other ordered (which he already asked before we actually ordered) and freaking let them have a chance to pick it up, as they ordered first. If at a restaurant, the party behind you was served first for the same exact order, wouldn’t you feel at least it’s a little unfair? And in this case, it was your date who intentionally made that happen, not the waiter/waitress? Anyway, I agree with everything else in your comment

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me! Sorry I’m just now returning and catching up on messages

This helps, thank you! I agree and feel better but I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to move on from him. He’s been on my mind a lot recently. It comes and goes and I genuinely would like to move on. If only the timing was better, we could’ve really been something I believe.

Thank you for giving some hope. Do you think he developed real feelings for me though? It’s so hard for me to move on without clearing this part up internally

Don’t worry about it, thank you for sharing the perspective you gained from your experience. I am just now seeing the exchange below. It wasn’t my intention to create a controversial discussion, but I appreciate you both taking time to offer input.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, it really means a lot. I like the analogy very much and will remember that. It was the first time I heard this analogy and it is refreshing to think from new perspectives.