You know how there are people that are born because their parents condom failed, or got drunk and had unprotected sex, or was born because of SA, or otherwise “weren’t supposed to be born”?
Well, that’s basically me, but its not the usual scenario. I was the second child born during the infamous One Child Policy, and I just keep thinking: what if the government had it their way and managed to terminate me while in gestation?
I know it was a long time ago and I should stop thinking about it. But I kinda, sort of, in a way, feel like those kids that are born “by accident”, as in: not meant to exist, “outside of God’s plan” (figuratively speaking, I’m not religious). I talked to my mother about it, but then she was just dismissive of these thoughts and doesn’t understand what an existential crisis is.
And it especially hurts when sometimes my mother told me she regretted making that decision violate policy to have me because I wasn’t being obiedient enough. Some filial piety bs.
What the fuck is my life? The world is collapsing, revolts and civil unrest everywhere, everything seems so surreal.
Edit: And also its like 1:45 AM here, sleep schedule is fucked lol
I am literally an accident.
Over here in idiot, white trash, just barely lucked out enough to be raised in a house instead of a trailer park, beautiful glorious and perfect and GOD FEARING… USA.
I am the reason my parents got married while my mother was approximately 5 months pregnant, why my parents spent the vast majority of my life lying to me and others about when their actual anniversiary date is…
All you have to do is compare it to my birth date.
… I am not angry or disappointed that I exist.
I am not angry or disappointed that I am an accident.
… I am angry and disappointed that my parents are lying hypocrites, who persisted in this lie (amongst many others) for nearly 30 years, I am angry that they suddenly got religion when neither of them are from very religious families and decided to become religious extremists, pretend they always were, and raise me in that way, to overcompensate for their own shame which I literally embody.
Cruel as this may sound: At least your mother was/is honest in her callousness, as opposed to a lying coward like mine.
… I cannot believe I am going to this quote, but I really do honestly find it compelling.
From the first Pokemon movie, Mewtwo:
I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth is irrelevent, it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.
What is life?
Life is the meaning and connections and knowledge and wisdom and experiences you construct out of the chaos around you.
Nothing guarantees you will succeed at anything or find joy or purpose or love.
… But nothing guarantees those things are all impossible, either.
