My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
It’s really difficult to get someone to seek help or accept help. Even more so with depression.
Maybe he sees himself in a pit with no way out and doesn’t believe therapy can help him. Maybe he’s too depressed to become active on his own accord…
I’d say people like that sometimes need an outside perspective. Have a talk and make sure he realizes the situation he’s in. Maybe he doesn’t care enough about himself to do anything about it. But he may very well care about you and how it’s weighing you down. So I’d try to explain that… How you feel. How it’s affecting you and the relationship. What you’d like to be different. I’d say don’t judge/argue or push him. In the end that won’t work. The decision needs to come from him.
And I’d concentrate on your side of the story. Make it about you and your perspective, less about him. You don’t need to tell him your analysis… Some people don’t like being analyzed. And I’d say if he’s intelligent, he can figure out the connections by himself. So tell him your perspective on him and the both of you and your emotions. And maybe give him some time to make up his mind and get to a conclusion.
You can also offer help, tell him you like him and make it easy for him. E.g. offer to make the first appointment for him. Recommend your doctor to him. Or ask him if he wants to hear how a therapy session works and how it helps you.
Obviously I’m not an expert so don’t take my opinion as proper advice. And I’m missing parts of the story… For example: Has he changed? Was he different at some point? Or did you come to the conclusion he needs therapy because you changed or some external factor happened? Also are you able to communicate well about emotions? Does he have any other people who he listens to, that can provide him with their perspective?
(Or maybe he needs to take a different path. I’ve listened to a few podcasts about depression or emotional wellbeing. I suppose there are also good books about the topic… I mean the hardest thing is getting things going. I’m sure it’ll get easier after that, the question is just how to get to the point to do the first step.)